In the murderously hot kingdom of Lithowania-an island so deliberately missing from maps that explorers go to "great pains" to exclude it-Captain Slavic Kristofferson arrives with the ultimate diplomatic strategy: a massive ice sculpture of his wife's face.

Where previous negotiators earned only spears in their hulls, Kristofferson's whiskey-on-ice and innovative snow machine soon have the natives building temples to frozen Hilda. After all, when you've spent your entire existence melting, the sudden discovery of "cold" becomes rather theological.

Between coconut-cutting lessons, chest-hair braiding demonstrations, and convenient mistranslations about global geography, the Captain introduces Christmas to a tribe whose "fleece" comes from a rather personal source. As the locals discover refrigeration and sailors lose digits to wedding ceremonies, both sides learn that cultural exchange-like good ice-is all about preserving just the right things.

A delightfully absurd tale of commerce, climate shock, and the surprisingly universal appeal of not sweating profusely.

For fans of Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and anyone who appreciates the diplomatic potential of a well-timed cold beverage.